


Placeholder

by strawberrymarss



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forgiving, Hongjoong can't stay angry at Seonghwa, M/M, Nicknames mean a lot to them, Post Break-up, Projecting, Relationship Issues, Seonghwa can't let Hongjoong go, Trying to Get Over Feelings, slight texting, they're both trying their best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23594482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrymarss/pseuds/strawberrymarss
Summary: Staying upset... Staying angry at Seonghwa... Hongjoong is incapable of doing that. He cannot resist when Seonghwa asks for him to come back, even when they have ended.Deep down, Hongjoong knows he too is trying to grasp at the last remains of them, that's why he decides he will be the placeholder, until the one truly meant for Seonghwa comes along and the other finds his true happiness.(With or without Hongjoong.)
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 14
Kudos: 49





	Placeholder

**Author's Note:**

> More self-projecting brought to you by yours truly~ Sorry, sorry :( This one doesn't have too heavy themes, but do still tread carefully just in case. Thank you for reading~! I hope you enjoy it .. ?

Hongjoong hums as he walks back from his last class for the day, admiring the autumn leaves of the trees lining the cobblestone paths of the campus, enjoying the gentle breeze blowing at him. He has just broken up with his ex, Seonghwa, who, unfortunately, stays at the same dorm block as he does, nearly a week ago, so he's now staying over at Yunho's, his best friend who stays outside campus, in an effort to recollect himself after the rather devastating outcome after three attempts at keeping their relationship alive and well. Yunho's place isn't far from campus and his work, so Hongjoong truly is glad when Yunho welcomed him in when he showed up, asking for a place to stay. Luckily, Yunho's housemates are also his friends, so they all let him in and knew to not poke him about what's going on. 

Hongjoong is enjoying himself, relaxed as he listens to the sound of the leaves crunching under his shoes, when his phone buzzes multiple times in his pocket. He takes it out questioningly, confused, when he sees messages from a certain someone pop up. 

[Seonghwa]: _Hongjoong_

[Seonghwa]: _Hongjoong please come back_

[Seonghwa]: _I'm sorry_

Hongjoong furrows his eyebrows as he opens the messages app.

[Seonghwa]: _Joong ik I made mistakes and wronged you_

[Seonghwa]: _But please come back I'm sorry_

[Seonghwa]: _I'm not asking you to get back together_

Hongjoong frowns.

[Seonghwa]: _I just_

[Seonghwa]: _I need you_

[Seonghwa]: _I'm sorry Joong_

[Seonghwa]: _ik I'm the last person you'd want to talk to_

[Seonghwa]: _but I need you here one last time by my side_

Hongjoong shoots a text to Yunho saying he'll be home late and pockets his phone, running as the breeze blows back his hair. His phone vibrates still, new messages coming in, but Hongjoong doesn't read them, leaving the device in his pocket as he sprints to the dorms in a hurry.

[UNREAD: 4]

[Seonghwa]: _Hongjoong I'm so sorry_

[Seonghwa]: _God idk what I'm doing right now I'm sorry_

[Seonghwa]: _Please tell me to go away or something_

[Seonghwa]: _I'm so sorry_

\---

Hongjoong rings the doorbell once, twice, and stands there, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth as he waits patiently outside the familiar door. He rocks back and forth on his heels as he grips the plastic bag in his hand tightly, the light weight of the easy snacks and instant food he bought tugging heavily on his arm as he waits. He swallows nervously, as he waits, and for another minute, and then the door clicks open. 

"Wha—" Seonghwa's tone is grumpy, but voice is rough and scratchy, as he opens the door. He falls silent when he sees the shorter boy standing there, staring. 

Hongjoong gulps once. 

"... Hey?" Hongjoong greets nervously, waving his free arm. "Sorry… you just… well, you wanted me to come and I got worried so...."

Seonghwa still stares at him. Hongjoong shuffles his feet, and looks down, scratching his head, as he slowly stretches out his hand, handing the plastic bag. 

"Well, if you changed your mind, that's okay, Seonghwa. I can go, I really don't mind. Though, you should take this, I—"

"Stay, Hongjoong," Seonghwa says softly, as he grabs Hongjoong's outstretched hand instead of the plastic bag.

Hongjoong looks up at him with wide eyes. 

"Please stay," Seonghwa says louder. 

"I mean, sure, if you don't mind," Hongjoong tries his best to smile, and Seonghwa nods quietly, letting him into the apartment. 

Hongjoong walks in, taking off his shoes, leaving them on the shoe rack outside, and looks around, taking in the familiar sight. Everything looks the same as before, but Hongjoong catches sight of the dish rack not containing any wet dishes drying, which is odd as it should be Seonghwa's lunchtime by now. It's a Friday, which means Seonghwa doesn't have classes, and the other usually eats around 2 to 3 in the afternoon. Hongjoong frowns, and walks over to the small kitchen, putting down the plastic bag on the table. Seonghwa joins him, standing beside him silently, watching him take out the snacks one by one. 

"Seonghwa, have you eaten?" Hongjoong asks, and the lack of response from beside him only confirms his suspicions. The red-haired boy sighs quietly, as he takes out the onigiri and instant noodles of the brand and flavor Hongjoong knows Seonghwa likes. It's not the healthiest choice of meals, but Seonghwa needs something in his stomach. 

Hongjoong hands the onigiri to Seonghwa, who takes it silently, and goes to the kettle and flask, opening the instant noodles. 

"Eat up, Seonghwa. There's more onigiri and other food in there," Hongjoong says, as he checks the water temperature in the flask. It seems suitable to cook the instant noodles. He hears the onigiri being unwrapped and hums in approval, as he starts to prepare the instant noodles. "You shouldn't skip meals, Seonghwa, you can get gastric from that. You may have broken up with me, but that doesn't mean I want you wasting away."

It falls silent after that, only sounds of Hongjoong pouring the hot water into the noodle cup filling the space, accompanied by occasional rustles of plastic. Hongjoong turns around as he waits for the instant noodles to cook, and regrets his decision immediately when he sees the sight which greets him. 

Seonghwa sits there at the table, bangs hiding his eyes as he looks down onto the table, one hand gripping onto the onigiri. His shoulders are shaking, and it doesn't take a genius to know that Seonghwa is crying. Hongjoong casts his eyes to the ground, as he leans back further against the countertop, like he could get any further, like he could escape from this situation. But he knows he can't, so he swallows and decides to face it. 

Hongjoong wraps his arms around himself, grabbing onto his own sleeves tight. 

"What's wrong, Seonghwa?" Hongjoong asks gently, and Seonghwa brings a hand up to his face, wiping away tears, confirming that he has been crying. "You can talk to me," Hongjoong tries to coax again, but Seonghwa merely shakes his head. 

Hongjoong sighs again, quietly. 

"It's okay, _Hwa_ ," Hongjoong says, and he freezes when he realizes the nickname which slipped out of his mouth. Seonghwa freezes too, and Hongjoong immediately turns around, busying himself with checking the instant noodles. He hears a stifled sob, and his heart aches terribly. 

Hongjoong just wants to hold Seonghwa and comfort him, but what will happen if he does?

Hongjoong doesn't want to turn around and look at Seonghwa, so he occupies himself with throwing out the instant noodle's water and pouring in hot water again, before throwing in the spices and powders, and mixing them together. He then puts the cup on the table in front of Seonghwa, and is about to retreat back to the sink when Seonghwa grabs his hand again. 

"I'm not going anywhere," Hongjoong whispers, "you should eat."

"Have you eaten?" Seonghwa asks hoarsely, and Hongjoong shakes his head. "You should eat too, then."

A very Seonghwa-like invitation.

"I will," Hongjoong nods, and sits down as well, Seonghwa reluctantly letting his hand go. "But you need to eat up, Seonghwa."

"Call me by that name again."

Hongjoong looks at him questioningly, tilting his head. 

"Call me Hwa again. _Please._ " 

Seonghwa isn't looking up at him, but his voice is shaking. 

Hongjoong is silent for a few seconds, before he turns, picking out a snack from the many cheap food he bought from the convenience store downstairs. 

"Eat up, Hwa," Hongjoong says weakly, feeling like his voice is going to give out on him if he dares say any more than that. 

Seonghwa obediently chews on the onigiri, as Hongjoong quietly eats the biscuits he pulled out from the plastic bag. Hongjoong nudges the instant noodles closer to Seonghwa when he notices the steam from the water decreasing, and Seonghwa takes the chopsticks and starts eating. He eats painfully slowly, closes his eyes from time to time when he pauses from eating, taking a shuddering breath to keep the tears in his eyes at bay. Hongjoong averts his eyes from the raven-haired male, feeling like he’s looking at something which he shouldn’t see, and also feeling like if he didn’t look away, he would’ve thrown himself at Seonghwa and hugged the other so close and never let go. 

The red-haired boy entertains himself with looking at his palms, as he thinks to himself. He feels guilty that Seonghwa is in this state because of him, but part of him whispers there isn’t anything much he could do. They already tried three times, Hongjoong isn’t so sure he or Seonghwa have the energy to try again for the fourth time and hold out long enough. Hongjoong clasps his hands together and brings them up to rest against his forehead, as he closes his eyes, inhaling and exhaling, trying to get himself together. He thought he had healed and was ready to walk away, but looking at Seonghwa like this, he guesses he is wrong about himself. 

“I’m sorry.”

The words are spoken so softly Hongjoong almost doesn’t catch it. 

“... Huh?” He says blankly, as he looks at Seonghwa.

Seonghwa is resolutely staring down at the empty instant noodles cup.

“Why are you being nice to me, Hongjoong?” Seonghwa asks, and Hongjoong pushes his chair back, cleaning up their trash and walking over to the dustbin under the sink. He could feel Seonghwa’s questioning eyes on his back as he worked, and Seonghwa doesn’t take his eyes off him when he turns around and leans against the sink, facing Seonghwa. 

“I don’t know,” Hongjoong replies, a melancholic smile on his face, “I don’t know. I just can’t not be nice, I guess.”

Hongjoong runs a hand through his hair, as he sighs. 

“I…”

Hongjoong tilts his head to the side, looking at Seonghwa attentively. The other has his eyes on the table again. 

“I’m sorry,” Seonghwa says again.

“Don’t be. It’s fine, it’s nothing I can’t handle,” Hongjoong waves it off.

He doesn’t know what else to say other than ‘it’s fine’. It’s easier to say that ‘it’s okay’, that he isn’t ‘affected much’.

“It’s not fine,” Seonghwa protests, “you… you always say it’s fine, but it’s not fine. I hurt you so many times, I made you feel that way so many times… It’s… It’s not fine, Hongjoong.”

‘It’s fine’ is on the tip of his tongue, but Hongjoong holds it back. 

“I don’t know what you saw in me, Hongjoong,” Seonghwa says, and his voice cracks a little as his eyes get teary again. “I don’t know what you saw in me. I’m so sorry.”

“I saw a kind man, Seonghwa. I saw someone with talent, with smarts, with beauty,” Hongjoong replies, “I saw someone I wanted to be with.”

To say the last part in past tense hurts so much.

“I have nothing-”

“I saw them, Seonghwa. You asked me what _I_ saw in you, that’s what I saw,” Hongjoong cuts him off. “So don’t say that about yourself, like you mean _nothing._ ”

Seonghwa is silent again, as he presses a palm to his eyes, sniffling.

Hongjoong sees the tears fall down Seonghwa’s cheeks. His hand itches with the urge to move forward and wipe them away, but he forces himself to stay put. Some time passes, and Seonghwa starts talking again.

“I love you, Joong,” Seonghwa says, and Hongjoong’s breath hitches at the nickname. “I love you, Joong, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop, but there’s this… part of me who regrets everything and wishes it had all gone better than this.”

Hongjoong hums to show he is listening. He feels the same way.

“Everything… I envy you sometimes, Joong,” Seonghwa laughs sadly, as he wipes away the tears which keep falling, “you’re sweet, you have a way with people, I wanted to be like that too… I love you, and I know saying that now means nothing but…”

Hongjoong braves himself to step closer to the table, but he still doesn’t dare to really near Seonghwa. 

“Even now, I’m jealous of you sometimes. When Jongho came to me and intervened… I think you’re lucky.. You have friends who you can talk to, friends who care so much, and I’m just… here. A loner. Despite all my attempts, despite being an extrovert, I’m still a loner,” Seonghwa sniffles, “I don’t think anyone loves me.”

“I did,” Hongjoong immediately says.

_I still do, but I can’t tell you that, because this vicious cycle won’t ever be broken then._

“Yeah, which is why it’s so hard for me to let go,” Seonghwa says, and a sob escapes him, “f-fuck, I’m so sorry. I hate it. I should’ve said this all when we were together, but as always… as always… I lost you and now only I…”

Hongjoong couldn’t take it anymore, so he walks forward and stands beside Seonghwa, facing Seonghwa’s side.

“I don’t deserve this.. I don’t deserve anyone…” Seonghwa cries, and Hongjoong inches his hand close to Seonghwa’s on the table, then gently grabs it.

Seonghwa freezes, and holds his breath, as he stares down at their hands.

“You haven’t lost me completely, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong utters, thumb rubbing gentle circles on Seonghwa’s hand. “No one deserves to be alone, no one deserves to be lonely, Seonghwa.”

Seonghwa is quiet, but he is attentive. Hongjoong sees it as a sign for him to continue talking.

“I’m still here if you need me, Seonghwa, I’m still here as your friend,” Hongjoong reassures. “I’ll be here for you, Seonghwa. Maybe no longer as your boyfriend, no longer as someone you’d want to spend forever with, but I don’t mind listening to you if you need me to. And you will find someone right for you, Hwa.”

This time Hongjoong doesn’t tense when he says the nickname, he lets it flow.

He thinks they both need this. 

Seonghwa still doesn’t look at him.

“I hate that it turned out this way, because I realize my feelings for you really are still strong,” Hongjoong chuckles wetly, “but we have to break this cycle or we’ll never move on. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be your friend, Hwa, that doesn’t mean I can’t help or comfort you.”

Seonghwa grabs his hand tight, squeezing. Hongjoong lets him do as he pleases.

“And you will find someone, Seonghwa, someone who will be with you forever, someone you’ll love more than you loved me, someone who will hold you, someone who will comfort you. And until that time comes, I’ll be that someone for you.”

Seonghwa chokes a little, and then he bends over the table. His shoulders shake violently, as sobs rack through his body. Hongjoong shushes him, bringing a hand up to pat his back. 

“I-I’m sorry, it’s just- I’m not used to this, and I- You’re being so nice, I-” Seonghwa sobs out, and Hongjoong merely hums softly, rubbing Seonghwa’s back gently. 

“I know, you told me back then,” Hongjoong replies quietly. “It’s okay. I couldn’t do it back then, but I’ll do it now, Hwa. I’ll be that someone until you find the one who’s really meant for you.”

_I hope it’s me, but it probably isn’t. Maybe, in another life... another universe…_

“Hongjoong, I’m _so sorry,_ ” Seonghwa cries, and Hongjoong lets him turn and surge forward to bury his face in Hongjoong’s abdomen. “I’m so _sorry_ , I’m so sorry.”

Hongjoong says the only thing he has always said whenever Seonghwa apologizes, and he means it. Forgiving is a way for him to heal.

“It’s alright, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong comforts, resisting the urge to comb his fingers through his hair and bend down to give the crown of his head a kiss. 

Seonghwa has always been easy to forgive, and like this, when he is crying in Hongjoong's hold, so _fragile,_ Hongjoong can’t hold anything against him at all.

Hongjoong lets him cry into his shirt, just holds him there loosely, an arm around Seonghwa’s shoulder as he shifts, and leans back against the table, staring up at the ceiling as Seonghwa cries and cries. 

\---

He goes back home late that night, once he is sure Seonghwa has settled properly into bed. He grabs Seonghwa’s spare keys in the empty shoebox on the shoe rack and locks the door behind him, before returning the keys to its place and leaves. The breeze of the night is cold, and Hongjoong pulls his jacket closer to him as he walks alone through the streets illuminated by the streetlights, passing the guard who doesn’t really acknowledge him. Yunho scolds him when he arrives, fussing over him and Hongjoong manages to act and smile. 

Then, when he’s alone in the bathroom, the shower hitting him, he feels a tear fall. Then another, and another, and then he bows his head, lifting a hand up to cover his face even though no one is watching, as he starts crying, sobs and hiccups leaving him, as he stood there, shaking. His chest hurts, it hurt so _bad_.

_I wish it didn't turn out this way._

_I'm so sorry, Seonghwa, I really am sorry._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that wasn't too bad! Do leave some kudo's and comments, I appreciate those! Thank you <3


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